Embracing 30s

When I was a teen, I thought that 30 was old… like people got married before 30 and had children and earned money… owning some cars or houses

That what I thought

but now, I’m 30, I dont think I’m that old.. still not settled yet

And surprisingly I’m fine… I’m content

Do I want to settle? Still trying to figure things out

Some parts of me wanting for that

Some other parts are still in doubt.. Nope, not about being free and all

something else holds the thought

so.. yeah, maybe we just need to leave that matter to the universe

For now, I’m pretty much settle with everything I have in my early 30s

catch ya later

cheers 💕💕

*gee, where are my students?

Perhaps

At certain point, I start believing I am indeed suffering from Bipolar Disorder. Nope, I’m not talking about my bitchy swing mood – gonna post about this some other time

Nope

I somehow start realizing that I could go through the manic and depressed episodes alternately. That at one time, I could feel so positive about live, no matter how sucks my situation is. I still believe that there is a silver line somewhere. But then, I could feel soo hopeless and depressed and pathetic.

It doesnt happen that often and not that extreme, but I start taking notice the changing.

It’s not disturbing as I think it is not that serious. It’s just mild episode but I know it is there

doing short research related to Bipolar Disorder in google *yeah, I know google sometimes can screw you up*, I learn that there are three different types of bipolar – from the mild to the extreme. And looking at the symptomps and my symptomps, yes, this is a self-diagnosed and pretty much unreliable, I most likely suffer from the mildest type of bipolar

yes, I do hope I am wrong

catch ya later

cheers 💕

Inferior

I hate the fact that there are times when I feel inferior and small. Damn you the nature of colonialized citizen. The third world country inferiority complex.

Somehow, I managed to finish my research proposal, after procrastinating for months and after long dillema. But then, I feel like I wrote shits.

And scrolling down the list of professors only made the feeling worse. So, yeah, I keep on delaying it…

Till, finally today… tada… got the gut to send an email to a professor. I guess I need to prepare myself for rejection, and also start looking for another potential professors…

But, well, anyway, for the mean time, I guess I need to pat myself on the back, for having the courage to take the first step

Now, let the universe decides

catch ya later

cheers 💕💕

Unexpected

I know that I’ve been planning some stuffs since the kicking of 2019. The trip and everything. But somehow, an unexpected situation comes and now I have to make decision.

It isn’t that big, yes. It wont affect my life that much but still it will most likely change what I have been planning. And I hate this kind of changing the most.

i do really really wish that I can find a way to resolve the issue so that i dont have to change my plan.

Gosh, at times like this I just hate being on my period and cant pray.

I need something to calm my nerve and my mind.

Anyway, catch ya later

cheers 💕

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time. There was this one guy I worked with that I sincerely prayed to God things somehow would work between us. Even if it didnt, I sincerely prayed to God for someone like him. *meski kalo kata Pa Heru, ga ada dua item yang bisa sama persis.

Not a crush. No. He was not a crush but there was just thing about him that drew me to him.

No. He was not perfect. As we worked together, I learned that we had slightly different lifestyle and had different perspectives regarding some issues.

But he was the one I could have a discussion with. We didnt argue. We had a talk. I could reason him as mucj as he could reason me.

That’ll be enough for me.

Turned out things didnt work as I wished for. I’m fine, though, don’t worry. No heartbreak. Just like I said, it wasn’t a crush.

Yet, still..

I sincerely pray to God the same wish.

Catch ya later

Cheers 💕

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time.
I was wondering.

These days?
Nope.. Not anymore

I know I was being silly back then
But hey, there are times when we made stupid mistakes, right?
When we’re somehow either being too innocent or too dumb

That was me

Once upon a time

These days?
Meh…

Catch ya later
Cheers 🙂

Never

Never tell me what I should do and how I should feel
Unless..
Someone you’ve dearly love, your very happinness, chose someone else over you
Leaving you bruised both physically and mentally

Never talk to me as if I’m being a mean sibling.
No. I don’t see the point of telling you how I never once forget mentioning his name on my prayer. And i wish nothing but his well being

Never tell me what I should do and how I should feel

Unless you’ve been curse out like some stranger doing some shit on the street

I have every right to be mad. And stay mad as long as I want it to be
And no one
No one has the right to tell me what I should have done and how I should have felt
Unless you’ve been through the very same shit I’ve been

Catch ya later
Cheers 🙂

When I Grow Old

When I grow old, hopefully I wont do what those annoying bitches-playing-victims do
When I grow old, I should teach better
When I grow old, I hope I will retire gracefully, just like Bu Nir
When I grow old, I hope I can have a spouse I can have fun with. Love how Bu Hid and his husband sometimes play like some teenagers do. Or a spouse with whom I can talk about many things.
When I grow old, I hope I have saved enough money so that I can live without fear
When I grow old, I hope I can tell my children and grandchildren that I have live my life to the fullest
When I grow old

Catch ya later
Cheers 🙂

Soon

Work is getting so exhausting, and I’m just this close to the breaking point.
Work is at the point where I just hate waking up in the morning, knowing that I need to leave in couple hours and deal with the very same stuff we’ve been struggling these last few months

There are days where I just keep on checking airplane ticket.
I know I need a runaway trip
But not now
I just cant drop my work and leave
I even considering of buying SuShow Ticket for their Show in Bangkok last Sunday. But then I had to cancel it since I dont have enough time to catch the show

I know it will be double or maybe three times harder, but now, I start thinking about SuShow Osaka *again*
But maybe I just need to four or five days away from town

Sigh

Catch ya later
Cheers

Let’s Live Happily

Let’s live happily
Even without a new uniqlo blouse

Let’s live happily
Even without new skechers or airwalk shoes

Let’s live happily
Even without airplane ticket

Let’s live happily
Even without spouse, yet

Let’s just live happily, myself
From the inside

Be happy… Be happy

Catch ya later
Cheers 🙂